Stitches
by MelloxChocolate
Summary: Juuzou dealing with losing Shinohara. Gore, rape, self-harm. Overall disturbing.


I wrote most of this in one sitting, I just felt like it. I have always been shipping these two together, I just think they care so deeply for each other that it's touching.

Also, I believe that for Juuzou it would be very difficult to tell the feelings of platonic love and romantic love apart.

I googled some and the things depicted should be completely possible for a comatose person (not sure about Shinohara's case, though...).

It's short, dark and bloody, as always. Please enjoy it anyway. Thanks for reading!

* * *

Juuzou had lost track of how many times he had visited his former partner and superior, Shinohara Yukinori, ever since he had been hospitalized. Despite the many hours he had spent in his presence, the eerie and suffocating atmosphere of the cold room still depressed him; so he'd place paper airplanes and flowers on the side table next to Shinohara.

The boy hated all the tubes and machines, the noises they made; even though he understood they are important to keep the senior investigator alive, Juuzou still wanted nothing more than to rip them out and destroy them, in optimism that would make Shinohara wake up.  
But Juuzou knew this thought was futile. And silly.

Even so, he couldn't bring himself to stop hoping; and waiting. He didn't want to give up on Shinohara, because he hadn't given up on him in the past either. And Shinohara was strong, that much Juuzou knew.

He would certainly...for sure...return to him. Always. This was sufficient to make a faint smile appear on his lips.

The white-haired boy stood next to the hospital bed, motionless, simply staring, before eventually lifting one hand and caressing the older man's face in a gentle manner. "Shinohara-san...Please wake up...", he whispered, his fingertips brushing against the enervated cheek.

"This happened because you protected me...why did you do that?", his eyes dull and overshadowed, Juuzou froze drowning in the agonizing memory fragments.

 _Me, who was made into a monster._

Juuzou jolted, his senses piquing up as the breathing of Shinohara became quicker and the machine made a noise. "Shinohara-san..?", the short male brought his ear close the other man's face, barely resisting the urge to touch it again as he was listening attentively.

"Are you finally waking up?", Juuzou blurted out, his respiration ruffling some loose strands of the older person's hair.

 _I waited...I waited...Please..._

The overjoyed grin was starting to fracture; his breath hitched.

 _Please..._

Distressed, he realized nothing was going to happen; his partner lying completely still as he himself started shaking.

"Shinohara-san..?", Juuzou's lips were quivering as he kept calling this all too familiar name that was becoming harder to form every time.

 _Don't leave me alone any longer...I can't bear it anymore..._

As sudden as his excitement had appeared, it diminished steadily and effectively when Juuzou attempted to understand that it was a false ray of hope; until nothing but the void remained. The crimson eyes widened and his heart began feeling heavier with each second ticking by; about to shatter as he slowly backed away from the bed.

"Shinohara...sa-", his voice finally cracked as tears swelled up in the red orbs and he felt himself sinking to the floor. The impact of the shock literally pushing him down, he stumbled.

"Please...come back to me...", his words muffled by sobbing and his sleeve getting soaked, he covered his bloodshot eyes with his forearm while holding the other investigator's hand; desperately clinging to it, as though he was trying to hang onto Shinohara's transcending life.

"I don't want this...", Juuzou spoke softly, quavering; the damp spot on his white shirt expanding.

 _I don't want this...I don't want this..._

The boy kept reciting while burrowing his teeth in his arm, until everything started to fade; his vision blurring through the tears.

* * *

The tall man is caressing the slender male's body as he's smiling into his kisses and pressing against him; embracing and wanting him close.

Juuzou giggles as he intertwines his fingers in the dark locks of his partner, who is fondling him and showering him with signs of affection as they share the warmth; all the while showing him that tender smile.

That smile...

 _"I'd be sad if you died."_

* * *

Gasping, Juuzou was yanked out of his dream. He breathed heavily, with cold sweat sticking to his back and shivers that kept washing over him. "Just a...dream...ugh", floundering, he covered his mouth in fear he might need to throw up.

"Must have...fallen asleep...", his body tensed up as he proceeded to hug his knees, still not able to use his artificial leg well. Juuzou hadn't slept in three days, it was showing, the bags under his eyes more present than ever.

The pounding started getting to his head and filled it with a sense of airiness as he couldn't stop shaking and felt like falling despite sitting on the floor.

Waiting for the sickening pressure to lessen, he leaned his back against the hospital room's wall. The coldness of it helped. Juuzou didn't know this feeling. In fact, he didn't know what he even was feeling.  
Squeezing his eyes shut, he calmed himself as he folded his arms over his legs; digging his nails in the revealed skin in an effort for the comforting sensation to stabilize his mind. When he opened his eyes again after some fleeting minutes, he realized it's night outside; catching a glimpse of the twinkling stars.

 _Shinohara-san, let's look at the stars together someday._

It's not that he was disgusted at the dream he had, no, it was...

The memories that harshly reminded him of the short-lived happiness he once had. The fact that he would never again get a chance to experience what he desired deep-down; he was aware of the repulsive truth.

"It hurts", Juuzou said in a monotone voice, comprehensively unfazed while his small hand clutched his chest. His white strands sliding to cover his face, he reached in his pocket to pull out a small sewing kit. The shallow eyes fixating on a spot, "Ah...it hurts so much...", he poked the tip of the needle into his skin until it went through; repeating it until a line of x patterns was to be shown along his bony right wrist.

He liked this; the momentary tingle distracting him from everything else. Juuzou smirked, a rush of adrenaline being pumped through him, causing his mind to clear up more with every stitch he made, as the blood started forming red droplets along his arm.

Juuzou let his tongue crawl over his dry lips. Unzipping his pants, he slid his hand past his scars and began fumbling the squishy place between his butt cheeks.

Recalling what was done to him by his Mama, it was quite fascinating that he could still feel any sense of arousal. The smirk tugging at his lips widened absorbing the memories and the excruciating pain etched in his mind, and all of the anguish that came with it; the last time he had felt a sense of pain, an agony so strong that something in his brain shattered, and caused him to go completely numb and become desensitized to any torment inflicted upon him after that. Excited, the boy began to rub his fingertip against the fleshy bud.

* * *

"Hey, Shinohara-san~", the petite looking boy, who was in fact an adult and just prior covered in ghoul blood, looked up at the older, and much bulkier, man, "What does it feel like to have an erection?"

Shinohara actually choked on his coffee he had been cheerfully sipping, spilling a fair amount of it and crying about him burning himself, "Hot, hot..! Ouch..."

Juuzou merely tipped his head to the side, staring at his partner in a detached manner, albeit finding the way Shinohara was behaving considerably funny. Putting a finger to his mouth, Juuzou snickered; compelled to bite on it as he was dancing around Shinohara.

"Where did that come from?! Why do you even think about such things-", Shinohara was about to scold Juuzou like a child, like he tended to do when the latter spilled too much gore while happily, way too happily for his taste, slaughtering ghouls.

However, just then he remembered what was done to this boy in the past, and it suddenly made sense to him why he would ask something, otherwise, so preposterous.

The older investigator sighed and sat down on the couch again after wiping the coffee off the floor with a dish towel.

Juuzou, who was starting to become moderately bored with the conversation since it didn't seem to be progressing, was about to totter off, but his ears perked up quickly when Shinohara began to talk; petting beside him, gesturing for Juuzou to sit down. The boy enthusiastically took up on his offer and slouched down edge-ways of him. Juuzou's eyes glistened when he saw the candies on the table; instantly grabbing a handful and gleefully chewing on them. "So yummy!"

"You see, Juuzou, that's not something that's easy to explain", Shinohara struggled for words while trying to compose himself and fighting the blush appearing on his cheeks, "Basically, it means your body is excited and you start feeling kind of joyous and-", he was cut off.

"Oh! So like when I kill ghouls?", Juuzou gazed at the other man with big eyes, just a tiny bit eerily; as he was sniggering and impatiently moving around on the cushion; eager to listen more.

Shinohara, perplexed for a second, replied hesitantly, "Y-Yeah...I guess...", clearing his throat, he continued, "But you know, you don't need to have an erection to feel good".

Pondering what he should say, Shinohara rubbed his forehead. Instead of disclosing something to Juuzou that he could never experience, he wanted to give him advice that would actually work for him; if he ever felt the urge to do so.

"I never tried this personally, but, you see...guys have a pleasure spot elsewhere", with this, Shinohara's face was relentlessly heating up; so much, that he wanted to cover it in his hands but refrained from doing so. After all, he wanted Juuzou to respect him, and not to think of him as a silly guy that can't even speak about sex education without being embarrassed.

By now, Juuzou's attention had already deteriorated again, with him wriggling about on the floor and trying to reach some candies that had previously rolled under the couch.

Determined, Shinohara continued, lifting his finger up in the air like a teacher, as he explained him explicitly and full of newfound confidence where exactly that spot is located. However, he wasn't quite sure how much of that Juuzou had actually caught on...

* * *

 _You gave this to me...I treasure it...Shinohara-san..._

Resting his head against the wall, Juuzou inhaled deeply as his hand halted. "What is this...feeling...anyway? In the pit of my stomach...or is it...in my chest?", he bit his lip, tugging at the stitches below it until they became undone as he started shaking again, "I don't get it...", with a metallic taste in his mouth.

 _I'm dizzy..._

The crimson gaze wandered to Shinohara, who was breathing calmly. Uninterrupted in his perpetual sleep.

"Explain it to me...", Juuzou uttered as he blinked back the tears in his eyes. "How am I supposed to understand these things by myself..?"

His nausea wasn't subsiding. Remaining still, he looked downward, his eyes gaining focus of his disfigured crotch.

 _More...Make it stop..._

Juuzou experimentally dragged the needle's sharp tip across the sensitive skin of the scarred remains of his genitalia. The grin spread across his face in a frenzied fashion, his breath quickened as the metal pierced his flesh, followed by the searing sensation of the silky thread being pulled through the fresh wound. "Ah...", he let out a gasp; giggling.

The blood started pouring rapidly as he continued to create stitches around the little protrusion of flesh, while the fingers of his other hand were harshly invading his pink, swollen hole.

"So good...ah...I can't...just a little more...", trembling in anticipation, Juuzou's crooked smile broadened in satisfaction as the final stitch was made; he threw his head back which actually hit the wall behind him with a loud thud, the pupils enlarging, cuming dryly. "Ah..!"

Attempting to catch his breath while the spasms dwindled, Juuzou dropped the bloodied sewing utensils and fell on his knees, "Not enough...", heaving as his head was spinning, "The emptiness is still there...", he breathed, "I want...", the desire filling his guts, the white-haired boy started crawling over the tiled, cold floor toward the bed his comatose partner was in; leaving behind sanguine handprints along his way.

"I want...so badly...", using his bloody fingers to probe around his twitching ring of muscles, Juuzou started licking Shinohara's hand, subsequently dragging his tongue along the arm that was draped over the bed's edge.

 _I'm burning, it's churning up my insides...I don't know why, but...My body is yearning for you, Shinohara-san..._

"Explain it to me, Shinohara-san", with glazed over eyes he climbed up until he was straddling the older man. Juuzou hesitated when he was about to remove the oxygen mask, but he still proceeded to do so, before cupping the other's cheeks with both his needy hands and kissing him ever so tenderly; leaving cherry imprints on the skin. Giving him a last smile, Juuzou carefully put the mask back on. "Shinohara-san..."

By doing so, several strands of hair fell over the man's eyes, which Juuzou quickly fixed by putting one of his own hair clips in to hold them in place, "Your hair has gotten longer."

 _Cute..._

He snickered childishly.

Functioning in a hastened manner, Juuzou was succumbing entirely. Pushing away the blanket, Juuzou stripped the man off the remaining cloth covering him. Blinking, he nonchalantly discarded the catheter, followed by licking across Shinohara's chest as though he wanted to taste him, while Juuzou's hand curled around the limp member of his former partner; soiling it with more red.

"I'm sure you are cold...I will warm you up soon", the young man smiled ever so mildly. Tracing the muscles and scars of the other man's torso, he placed nips and kisses along his neck, in the likeness of really wanting to ensure that he felt good. Or perhaps, this was merely what he himself coveted in this moment. He didn't know. And he didn't bother thinking about it. Right now, Juuzou was just giving in to his impulses and long-lingering craving.

Sliding down Shinohara's body, Juuzou kissed the tip of the growing erection, protruding his tongue to nudge the slit, and continuing to move it along it wholeheartedly as he grew accustomed to the taste more and more, even beginning to think it's kind of sweet as he engulfed it and coated it with saliva.

 _I like sweets...Shinohara-san tastes so sweet...I want more...But...If I do this too much..._

Just as the erection was pulsating in his mouth, he let go of it. A satisfied grin displayed on his doll face. Hovering atop the older man, Juuzou used his nimble fingers to spread himself, panting, "Fill me up, Shinohara-san", as he thrust onto the hardened length. Exhaling a mixture of a gasp and a moan, Juuzou tumbled forward, his face floating closely over Shinohara's.

Staring at the shut eyelids, the boy hugged the other's head, holding onto and cradling it as he forced himself up, before letting his lithe body plunge down, again and again. His internals were on fire, burning more with every grinding movement of his hips as the hard flesh was scraping his intestines.  
Caressing the man's hair, he chuckled as the twisted pleasure came in waves. The young investigator felt like he was tearing on the inside, and the ecstasy was overwhelming.

Angling his hips just right to be hitting that distinctive spot with every pounce, paired with the jabbing sensation in his stomach, for a short moment, he got addicted.

Juuzou was compelled to ignore the tears brimming in the corners of his eyes, just like the tingling sensation as they streamed down his reddened face. "Shinohara-san...touch me", he breathed as he sat up, "I want your touch...I want your...", memories began spiraling in his mind, of the times they spent together, of Shinohara petting his head, protecting him, crying for him when he got injured; he laughed blissfully.

 _Love..._

Rolling his tongue back, he arched his spine; sighing.

Guiding the older investigator's motionless hand to his chest, Juuzou kept picturing those happy times; pretending this is an act of happiness. "More", he tilted his head, licking his own lips, "Touch me...here", as he moved the cold hand down to his stitched groin. Shivering when the fingernails scratched him.

Closing his eyes, the young man leaned back as the large hand was forced to mimic touches of passion. "Make me...cum", feeling the hot semen fill him up, Juuzou, too, came, gaping as his fingers got entwined with the carefully-made stitches and brutally ripped the threads out of his skin; bloody sprinklers covering them both, red liquid beginning to trickle and smearing between the two male bodies' friction as he collapsed. Falsely delighted, Juuzou lied atop Shinohara. The messy, white hair sticking to the neck of the man underneath.

 _Shinohara-san..._

"I'm so full...filled up...with Shinohara-san", Juuzou smiled as wide as he could, the dried up blood itching his pale skin. The skinny fingers were tracing the comatose man's cheek, before kissing it, followed by a whisper, "Hey...why do I still feel so empty?"

 _Shinohara-san..._

Juuzou was staring off into blank, dark space; when his eyes noticed the unforgiving shimmering stars, his awareness being jerked back to a time of approximately twenty minutes ago, while his frame of mind was rotating and depleting rapidly.

[That smile... _Let's look at the stars together_...Shinohara-san's smile... _Monster_ ]

Dawning on Juuzou what he had done, the crushing pressure that was convulsing his inner, worse than when he first killed, he couldn't subdue the violent urge in his stomach; expunging everything inside. But even then, it didn't stop.

 _Shinohara-san, I'm sorry._

The ensuing quietness was followed by a cry so heartbreaking it would make everyone in the hallway turn their head.

 _I've come to realize that nothing and no one will ever fill the gaping hole your existence has left within me._


End file.
